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Professor Wheelock’s eleven predictions for the next one hundred years.
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A CONSIDERED OPINION
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Thoughtfully provided by Professor Asa Wheelock, chair of the science department at Teachers College.
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1. New horseless carriages will completely replace horses for transportation. The horses will be retrained to drive the new carriages.
2. The electric light bulb will turn night into day in every home. When it's time for bed a new invention, the dark bulb, will turn day back into night.
3. Air travel will become the most accessible method of long distance travel. By the year 2000 people can fly from New York to Los Angeles in under 48 hours.
4. The entire world will be covered by a vast network of wires which will be referred to as the "World Wide Web." This web will have been woven by gigantical prehistorical arachnids, who will become our leaders after emerging from caverns beneath the earth, where they will have been hiding for 3 millions years.
5. American Indians will dominate all professional sports with the exception of lacrosse.
6. The union will expand to 50 states by the year 2000. The four new states will be Arizona, Mexico, Cuba, and Canada, which will be annexed and renamed North North Dakota.
7. There will be drastic fashion changes. Men's suits will be made entirely out of stainless steel and vulcanized rubber. Women's bathing suits will daringly reveal the ankle.
8. Advances in medical science will include a vaccine for Consumption and an elixir for Scurvy. This improvements and others will raise the national life expectancy to 52.
9. Women will get the right to vote but eventually refuse, preferring to stay home and clean.
10. We will make contact with aliens, but they will not be friendly. They will destroy every major city in an attempt to colonize the world. However, the world will fight back, led by a former military pilot president, a Jew scientist and a negro cocksure pilot.
11. Due to rising inflation, small homes will cost upwards of $600.
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This Year will only come but once,
And may be quite a special one;
But 'twill more likely be twelve months
Of me wishing you might hold your tongue.
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NO HACK-SCUSE
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New York City Hackney Drivers were sternly chastised by Mayor Robert Van Wyck for refusing to pick up Irishmen, Italians, and Jews, and other dirty types of people. |
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ARTLESS ART
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City Moralist are up in arms in protest of a controversial museum exhibit titled "Sensation," which contains paintings of, among other atrocities, an unclothed female woman. |
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FREDERICK: "It seems to me that all of these new electrics do not so much improve our lives as make them worse."
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FREDERICK: "What's that you say? You wish me to provide a proof of my assertion? That is easily done."
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FREDERICK: "In fact, I can present a proof on the instant that is relevant to our current situation..."
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FREDERICK: "If my dear friend Edison had not invented the light bulb, I would not now have to endure the displeasure of gazing at your face."
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Connubial Advice from the Pre-Eminent Physician Phineas P. Sticky
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IN WHICH YOUR LETTERS ARE ANSWERED
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Dr. Phineas P. Sticky’s almanac of all ailments, both romantical and otherwise, relating both to the lesser regions of male and female anatomy.
Greetings, one and all! Once again, the hour is at hand when I dip pen in ink and make response to the numerous missives which I have been privileged to receive both via the electric transcontinental post (through which you too can contact me, free and without charge! Please address all correspondence to: dr.sticky@excite.com) and the latest tele-phonic devices created by Mr. Bell (to which you may also place a call without toll by asking the operator to connect you to 800 EXCITE2, extension 291-314-5612).
And now, without further delay, the correspondences:
Dr. Sticky,
I am pleased to tell you that I find your almanac both informative and amusing. It is for this reason that I take pen in hand to write you now. I have a problem of a quite personal nature with which I have sincere hopes that you will be able to help me. I trust you will keep my confidence, and not reveal my full name if you should choose to include my small missive in your column, as I am a man of some importance at a well-known bank and would not wish to have my good reputation soiled.
Forgive my candor, Doctor, but my problem is this; my wife, Edith, and I have been married for many years. She is an excellent housekeeper, and should, I think be good with the children, if we were to have any. For all of the years we have been married, we have performed our family duties each Saturday night at the same hour. However, of late, my wife has begged off this duty, claiming that she has a case of exhaustion, or is not of a temper to perform such activities. I have made numerous helpful suggestions in an attempt to rectify this problem, including that we retire at an earlier hour in order that her exhaustion be less pronounced, or that she lift her skirts before I am forced to administer a husbandly slap, but none of my attempts have met with success. Do you have a suggestion of how I might make this weekly chore less disagreeable to her?
With much gratitude,
Nelson D. R____________, Banker, New York City
Mr. R___________,
The fact that you have chosen me as your guide gives me much pleasure. However, I must warn you that your wife may be in great danger if you do not treat her ailment at once. It sounds as if she is suffering from the dreaded malady NYMITHIA, which, if not tended to with the GREATEST EXPEDIENCY, can be quite deadly. For treatment of this ailment, may I humbly recommend DR. STICKY’S WORLD RENOWNED RECONSTITUTIONAL MEDICINAL SALVE PREPARATION. Available at all reputable druggists and dealers of medicine, DR. STICKY’S WORLD RENOWNED RECONSTITUTIONAL MEDICINAL SALVE PREPARATION is GUARANTEED to produce results instantaneously, if properly applied. To use, you simply rub the salve on the affected area of your beloved's anatomy, using a soothing, gentle circular motion. You will find that after a few moments, your wife will seem to become agitated, and begin to moan and writhe as if taken by a fit. DO NOT BE ALARMED! This is simply a part of Dr. Sticky’s PATENTED TREATMENT for all disorders of a feminine nature. Once your wife has reached this state, you will find she will be quite interested in taking part in your weekly business, and indeed, perhaps MUCH MORE ENTHUSIASTIC than you have hithertofore found her to be. If you find her to be screaming in the middle of the act when you have not heard her do so previously, keep a level head. This minor hysteria is an unfortunate side-effect of Dr. Sticky’s treatment, but I think you will find it is one with which you will be able to easily become accustomed.
Most sincerely yours,
Dr. Sticky
It is always more convenient to have one about the house so one might find it quickly if one is in need of it for use in the privacy of the home.
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Application of the salve is quite simple.
Gentle Sir;
I hope you will not think me common if I present to you a conundrum which has been causing me great pain. Although I am young for a widow, I am sorry to report that my husband passed away some years ago in a railway fire, and I have been without male company ever since. Financially, I am quite secure, for my husband left me well provided for, but I there have been many times since in which I have longed for the fulfillment of male company, if I make my meaning clear. This longing often takes the form of an itch I am not able to scratch in certain areas of my body, or with a dampness in those same areas, despite the fact that I have neither bathed nor swimmed. What can you recommend to alleviate this burdensome ailment?
Yours in confidence,
Mrs. M___________, young widow, California.
The device has a large handle for easy gripping.
My dearest lady,
I am sorry to say that your ailment is not uncommon among ladies of your age who have been widowed or remain unmarried. Happily, there is a quite simple solution available for a mere 50 cents, post paid. The remarkable device to which I refer is none other than DR. STICKY’S PATENTED CYLINDRICAL DEVICE FOR THE CURE OF FEMININE AILMENTS AND RELATED MALADIES. This device, which has been PRAISED TIME AND TIME AGAIN by the women by whom it has been used, is simple yet effective. The facts relating to the products I do not wish to embellish by hyperbole, however, I think I can disclose without exaggeration that it uses SOOTHING ELECTRIC WAVES to BOOST CIRCULATION and PROVIDE STIMULATION to the affected areas, and is a PROVEN REMEDY for the complaints which you described, as well as for other complaints of a feminine nature. To apply the cure, you simply slide the device inside the affected region, supplementing use with a rhythmic back-and-forth motion. Continue this treatment until you feel that a great wave has passed through your body; you should then find that the unpleasant feelings you described in your letter abating. If not, simply repeat the treatment as many times as is necessary to achieve the desired result. DR. STICKY’S PATENTED CYLINDRICAL DEVICE FOR THE CURE OF FEMININE AILMENTS AND RELATED MALADIES can be used daily with no ill-effects. You may find that, ONCE YOU HAVE BEGUN USING THE PRODUCT, YOU WILL NOT FEEL COMPELLED TO STOP, even were you to be re-married. If you discover that you new husband finds this to be distressful, simply advice him to purchase a quantity of DR. STICKY’S WORLD RENOWNED RECONSTITUTIONAL MEDICINAL SALVE PREPARATION, follow the instructions carefully, and he will not be disappointed.
With admiration,
Dr. Sticky
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Once again, good friends, another of these almanacs has come to an end. But fear not, Dr. Sticky shall return again to address all complaints of a physiological and intercorsial nature. Until that time, I leave you with this parting thought: Intercourse is much like the Trans-Continental Railway; unless you keep the engines stoked and the tracks clean, you may find it difficult to transport all of your cattle to California.
A hearty farewell, friends, from Dr. Sticky.
PAPPY'S JOKE CORNER:
Teacher: Jimmy, what do you suppose life will be like in one hundred years?
Jimmy: Frankly, Teacher, I'm too fucking drunk to care.
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